For those of you who don’t know, online dating is a magical world filled with unicorns and rainbows. There is a candy cane forest and gum drop mountains. And all the people wander the streets of the interweb being overwhelmingly respectful to one another saying things like “good day” and “top of the morning” to each other.
Except it isn’t like that. At. All.
And yet, for some reason, this is pretty much what is available to people who work and parent and don’t have a lot of free time to meet other people. This is what dating has become. And many of our passports are well and truly stamped with all our visits to this wonderland of ick.
Sometimes you meet decent people just looking to make a connection. But it doesn’t work out for one reason or another.
And other times you don’t meet people like that.
Other times are the exact opposite of that.
And you can’t believe you even have to ask what the hell he thinks he’s doing trying to poke you with his unicorn horn because not only is this is the first time you’ve met and you’re standing in the parking lot of a Mexican fast food restaurant that he claimed has “the best” food around and you suddenly found out he lives with his mom even though he’d never mislead anyone because he’s so honest and his ex-wife is a nutjob because he is a catch and can’t he just have a kiss after drinking (yes, I said drinking) a container of hot sauce and when can we have sex because boobs?
Sadly, this little nugget summarizes a recent date I went on.
In real life.
And what is even sadder is that I don’t think it even cracks the top of the list of my bad dates. But those, well those each deserve their own posts. Perhaps, those may even deserve their own blogs. But I digress. Let me tell you about this super fun evening…
I was matched with this man online. He and I did a fair bit of exchanging emails and texts prior to deciding to meet up in person. He seemed normal. He had a good job, in fact was the dean of students (put a pin in that, you’re going to want to reference it later) at a high school a few towns over, he knew the difference between there, they’re, and their (harder to find than you’d think), and he seemed like a decent kind of fellow.
He asked me if I would meet him for dinner at the Mexican restaurant by the mall because they have THE BEST food. I said sure…I like Mexican food, and we’d been talking for a little while so I figured we could make it through an entire meal. So I agreed to meet him at the place by the mall.
Now, to my knowledge, there was only one Mexican place by the mall. So that’s where I went. And I stood in front of the restaurant and waited for him. About ten minutes later I got a text asking me where I was. I said, I’m standing in front of the restaurant. He texted me back saying that no I wasn’t because he, in fact, was standing in front. I looked around and, no, he wasn’t there. I was. This went on for a few texts and then he asked me where I was exactly. And I said I am right in front of the door at La C… Then he said, Oh! You’re at the wrong restaurant. That food sucks! Come to the restaurant behind the mall. The food is so much better here!
Good Lord! I was embarrassed. I had no idea there was even another Mexican restaurant on the other side of the mall! And I really like the food at La C… They have great margaritas and authentic food with a great atmosphere. But if this place was better, then I surly should have known about it… regardless, I got in my car and drove over there.
And then I pulled up…to the restaurant…and it had a drive thru…and was a fast food place…and then I realized that he wanted to meet me at the quick burritos place that used to be a Burger King.
I realize now I should have kept driving, not because I’m too good for a fast food place, but because it really set the tone for what was about to go down. But he saw me and waved, and I have a fairly open mind, so I parked the car and got out.
We exchanged hellos, went inside, ordered and sat down with our food.
And then the fun started.
Between telling me his life story, in which every other word was the “f” word, he asked me how large my chest was and told me he couldn’t wait until we were at the point we could have sex in our “relationship”. In fact, did I want to go do that now? No? Yeah, you’re right, sometimes anticipation is better. He would probably need to go home and take care of things though because he was so excited to see me. Because he sure did like my boobs. And he could tell I had my shit together and boy did that turn him on. Oh and by the way his ex-wife killed their unborn child and because she made more money than he did he felt he needed more maintenance from her and his mom says he’s a catch but she’s a horrible roommate because she doesn’t love his dog as much as he does and can we have sex now because…boobs? Boy I sure was quiet, did I like to make noise in bed? And he was really glad I came to dinner because…boobs. Then he picked up the cup of hot sauce he had on his tray and drank it like it was a soda.
So, I clearly needed go home. Now.
I’m fairly sure that the person sitting across from me, and the person I had been communicating with had to be two different people. Or possibly schizophrenic.
I stood up, made my excuses, and began to walk to my car. He followed me and asked me when he would know if it was a time I felt comfortable and ready for sex with him. I told him he would know right now, that it was NEVER. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.
I turned to open my car door. And he was standing right behind me at this point. And he said hey, wait a minute. And reached up. And began pulling my hair away from my neck. And started to try to kiss and lick the back of my neck.
And then…I elbowed him in the gut really hard, threw open my car door, and drove away like a bat outta hell.
He texted me fairly quickly after that…I wasn’t even home yet. He said it was wonderful to meet me. And he couldn’t wait to see me again. And he’d forgotten to ask me what my favorite sex position was. And did I like oral? And boobs. Or did I like anal? Or…
It was at that point that I was able to pull over and block his number from the dating app.
Then I began examining every single one of my life choices. And shook my head because as charming as this evening was, there had been others that were even more enchanting. I wish I was embellishing, but I truly can’t make this stuff up.